The Agonizing Chapter

I wake up to another bright morning. Despite having sank deep into the night and was lulled by sweet dreams, it was another figure that my brain brought back again. The figure I try to keep in a corner of the heart. Not because I want to forget – but continuing to live life along with it will obscure not only my upcoming plans but also blur my eyes.

Her departure was so abrupt. As usual she drove alone to work, even though I had reminded her to rest at home. She said her head was dizzy, but she really had to finish some important tasks. After having breakfast together and kissing the back of my hand she turned on her car. It’s only been two weeks since we occupied this house and she still had to remember the route to her workplace, and because sometimes some routes were unilaterally closed she had to rotate.

As usual I didn’t always contact her if not necessary. Perhaps, occasionally, I will remind her to eat and pray. She was more concerned about me. Always asking about my days, worrying about my health condition, always smiling to see my dreary or sullen presence now and then, and hardly ever complaining about the not romantic me. She’s always been like that even before we’re married. Although we weren’t always intensely corresponding but she always kept me in touch, wrote me almost anything. Her phone hardly ever left her except when she was with me. I don’t really see why she’s that attached to it when we’re apart whilst she can put it away while we’re together, on any activities, even though sometimes I had to command first.

She likes me very much, I mean even though I reprimanded her I still see a glimpse of sincere smile of her when obeying me. She hardly ever said no to me except for things related to ghost movies or kittens – two things I can’t bear. She would be very panicked to know my illness relapsed. Once she had left her office to pick me up, and I did not feel that bad.

Well, I love her, and that was one of the reasons when I married her two months ago. I do love her though I don’t always say it. Part of the sense of happiness she felt was that the three years dating with me had to end happily. How she had been faithfully longing for us. To marry the right man. How she had always wanted it to be since so young, about which she sometimes babbled to me in our spare moments together, which I didn’t always notice for its low urgency.

The happiness was all around: I was happy to be so grateful for marrying her. The main cause is because I really feel the perfections of living the life and I had became a much better person. I’m so relieved to be with the one who doesn’t complain and nag. The person who purely accepts me. And this kind of relationship is not easy to achieve – there are a million lessons and wounds to be taken first.

The clouds are constantly gray when my mind wanders into those times. If only I knew the happiness and the peace of life would be so alluring, I should have married her from the beginning we were together, three years ago. I should have been able to live this holy and graceful togetherness for many years to come. It’s not supposed to be here for just two months. Two months of magical chapters and bitter briefness.

The sun was nearly set and the usual traffic was so complicated when her tiny car was hit by a container truck with brake failures at an intersection. She certainly didn’t feel pain because God chose to hold her straight up, and mostly because I was the one who completely felt so much pain … mingled with countless regrets and eternal hurt, which I suppose I will bear until the end of my life.

Appreciating Life

So often my brain wanders to the innumerable corners of thoughts. So often I debated the points of view that others see about plenty of events. No, not great events or perhaps disasters commonly written on news or forums, but the simplest things like gratitude or compassion between a couple of humans.

Man, a paradoxical being, a combination of dust and glory. On them lays a virtue that will never be perfect. They will not even be superb doing evil stuff. This is why it takes the maturity of characters and the open mindset in dealing with the causes and effects of human behavior. Although there are billions of heads interacting to each other on this big, big world but at least they have one thing in common, an inescapable fact: humans are actually more horrible than ghosts, and also more joyful than the light of an angel.

This annoying imperfection, viewed from thousands of edges, will give a different light and that’s why humans are so perfect. And accepting all the shortcomings will be as rewarding as enjoying the advantages.

In Being with The One

Having a partner won’t make you entirely happy, but a couple, no matter how long you spend time together, no matter how well his position has been able to support your children and grandchildren, no matter how he has lost sheen of his forehead because life has always been repeatedly devastating his logic, will grow together and he is still your partner – the one who criticizes your choice of food or fiercely looks at you when you’re on arguments. The one who won’t hesitate to rebuke your indiscipline or hug you when you’re sick.

Being grateful for the existence of the person who is at your side and stays with your crazy ideas is really necessary, because not all humans can match each other and be comfortable with anyone; they need to be compatible in various views and have equal feelings – something that can’t be reasoned and measured. So be grateful for his scathing remarks, be grateful for his little time when he left work to drive you, be grateful for his efforts to equate perceptions.

However imperfect, however old you are, no matter how different your mindsets and life will be. He remains perfect, as a man should, above all good and bad that is part of him.

Considerations

We are welcoming Ramadan, the holy month, which is coming tomorrow. I would be very glad to contemplate and, if I can, change myself into a better lady. My biggest enemy is always my own self and since I realize so many ugly stuff I’m always carrying around, I intend to reduce them by baby steps. Perhaps to talk more decent, to learn to accept and let go, to keep my hopes lower about certain things.

Disappointment is casual these days and what can I expect? Life.

One thing I need to blast off is how observant of me whenever I read or see something I disagree – mostly about relationships, people, love. They make me sick and I should stop. I really have to clear my mind and sit back and enjoy the coffee, and again – learn to take a breath and let go.

P.S. Today is the first time of my entire 3 decades of life to ever lead in a prayer. There had always been a man to do that for sure but for some reasons, just a few hours ago, I did.